Wishful Dreams

You do not own my body and soul…
It is my mind you want, but do NOT control
My strength lies deeper than you can reach
held steadfast to the God I beseech

You play games with emotions and hearts
and try to tear the soul apart
nice does not equal naive
I am not as dumb as you perceive

I have family and friends who gather around
to keep my spirits from getting down
I’m reminded of who I am inside
and protected when the storms collide

It hurts… I am only human
and not oblivious to pain
I fall and stumble but I’ll get back up again
because I know something that you probably don’t
what I accept and you probably won’t

I answer to a higher power
who strengthens and comforts
and continually guides
I will myself to be strong of heart and mind

But I am not made of stone
I feel… I hurt… I cry
and sometimes I sit and ask “Why?”
when all I give is my love and you push it away

But so begins the cycle that drives me insane
questioning my feelings again and again
How did I lose myself in such a short time?
How can this pain play havoc on my mind?

It’s like a dream before you awake
lingering between worlds and grasping for memories to take
a bond has been formed so how can I turn away
when all I want is for you to stay

Be strong my mind… Have courage my heart
even though if feels your spirit is torn apart
tomorrow is another day and you’ll be alright
because inside of you is the will to fight

DC 3/4/2010

I had posted that I would go back into my shell where I am most comfortable. But not this time! It’s no longer who I am. I am strong and I am loved by many and I will strive harder than ever to succeed. I am worthy.

If the video doesn’t work for you follow this link:

here

it’s a funny thing … in the wrong hands power can be abused and misused. but in the right hands it’s not only something to be respected but can also give forth love and guidance. It’s true, no one has power over you unless you give it to them. Sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not in control and that there’s someone else looking out for you, caring for you enough to know what you need, when you need it and how you need it. Power doesn’t have to be something to fear it can be quite … what’s the word I’m looking for? Well it can leave you feeling content and safe and loved and yes even organized.

For those that know me well know that I am and have been pretty closed off for a long time. And there are few people in this world I let close to me anymore. I am timid and shy and guard myself against getting hurt. But I have found, or they have found me; I don’t care how it’s happened… I am content; dare I say I am happy.

sitting and staring out the window
with the music in my ears
concentrating on nothing
and letting go of my fears

I hear the words to the songs
that echo from the heart
melodies in song
that sometimes tear one apart

But this day I am soothed
as the words spring forth
they nurture and cleanse
and renew my sense of self worth

Sometimes my emotions run deep
and passion over flows
as I hear the story sang
it begins to rain in my soul

rain brings and sustains new life
it washes and is meant to cleanse
it carries away the grime
so all things can anew begin

I invite the rain into my soul
and welcome it’s purifying power
even if it brings tears from pain
because I heal hour… by hour.

DC 2/25/2010

It’s the only way I can describe how I feel today. Before my eyes were even open I was smiling. *sigh of content* There are really are no other words so I’ll leave it at that.

If the video doesn’t load for you, you can watch it here
http://www.youtube.com/v/92Yw_HY6Sos&hl=en_US&fs=1&

Wow! I am not a coffee drinker but after getting only 3 hours of sleep I need it My nephew is here all week and I had to get up for him. I love having him here!! Ever notice that no matter what is going on in your life kids have a way of making it all better even if only for the time you’re around them. They have no worries, no concerns, no real big problems. LOL Even still you couldn’t pay me to go back and be a kid again, nuh uh no way no how ROFL

I consider myself a strong person. I like to deal with my own issues in my own time in my own way. But I am human and sometimes even I just need a shoulder or an understanding ear and there are so few people I trust to talk to. And really I don’t like to burden anyone. So I put on a great big smile and keep moving forward because no matter what is going on it somehow works itself out or gets better or you just make it better.

what else can i do? i’m not allowed to be sad or upset because others need me to be happy, for them. so, where does my pain go?

Who knew it LOL I have reason to smile these days and I am loving it! In fact can’t stop smiling. My passion has been stirred up again. The butterflies are back. As good as I feel and much as I feel what I don’t understand is the pain that comes with it. How can something that feels this good also cause you to hurt. But, it’s a good kinda hurt if that makes sense. My stomach is in knots, my thoughts are… well I can’t seem to concentrate much. I feel myself blooming. That’s hard to explain. I guess just like a plant dies if it’s not watered. Well, I am being watered; thoroughly LOL I don’t know how else to explain it.

Well after some thought and reading I’ve decided that reality is whatever feels real to me. If my heart can feel it, if it stirs emotions inside of me then that’s as real as it gets. As far as what I can touch or see, if my heart touches another’s or theirs touches mine and if I can see compassion and warmth and caring and kindness in someone else whether I’ve met them or not; especially if I haven’t met them yet and all that is coming through then that’s all I need to see. And perhaps sometimes if you try too hard to figure it out you’ll take the magic from it.

What’s more is this has given me the courage and the strength to make those changes in my life I so desperately want to make. Nothing earth shattering, just some fine tuning Because I am worth it and I deserve it.